To Professor Al Mariam
Dear Prof Mariam, I am here looking at your recent letter concerning some Bill that is supposed to help your country move towards democracy. Well, I am glad to hear that there are still suckers... I mean, customers like you out there who are still interested in importing our Democracy, despite our record in Iraq and Afghanistan. What the hell, one size doesn't necessarily fit all, I always say and maybe it might just work with you people, if we pointed the guns the right direction this time. This exporting Democracy thing might have a chance.
I normally do not respond to individual letters unless they are in one of those fancy envelopes and has a seal of some PAC , but this one for some reason caught my eyes. Maybe it's your name and your title, "Law Professor" or perhaps it was... Well, OK OK, I will admit I am a little more jumpy these days with all this ‘Ethics violation and investigation they got going around here. Geeze, you'd think I was the only one or something. Investigate investigate investigate!! That's all these intellectual types know. Well, don't believe everything you read, kiddo. The liberal media is a dangerous thing. Anyway, when I saw the word ‘Lawyer', I couldn't help take a peak at it.
I read your letter and I will be honest with you Professor, this is the first I am hearing of your situation, but I must say I am really impressed with the way you articulated your case. You Afri-Groes (African Negroes that is - I just came up with that phrase, you like that?) are sometimes more articulate than our local ones here. Have you seen the interviews on TV with some of those colored people after Katrina? What an embarrassment!! I didn't even know we had people like that in our country! That's why I suggested to level that whole damn city and start all over. Can you imagine the land development deals if we did that? And did you read and hear all that flack I caught for that innocent little comment? You'd think I proposed some kind of a systematic genocide or something. I was just being a sensible businessman. Damn liberal media!
But, I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, your letter. I see you've been working with that Abe Lincoln wannabe Chris Smith and one of our homegrown Negroes I was talking about above, Donald Payne on this. When is that Chris gonna get with the program and start playing ball like a real Republican? And the foolishness of flying all the way to Ethiopia where you folks have made taking donations a habit instead of making them. You don't even have fundraisings or make campaign contributions to our Party! Why cross all that land for some nonsense?? Speaking of land, y'all have a lot of extra land over there you're not using, don't you??? Hmm, I wonder what kind of logistics it will take to develop land over there? I'm gonna have to ask my real estate agent about this.
Back to your letter kiddo, you wrote that you and your friends rejoiced upon hearing the Bill's passage unanimously in committee. Hmm, you were able to get that far, huh? When did that happen without me knowing about it? I must be slipping. Well, ordinarily that would have been sufficient for any constituent who pushes a Bill without the proper stationary, and no fanfare. But no!!! You folks wanted more! You special Afri-Groes, it turns out, are more aggressive than our local ones. That's the trouble with y'all colored people, we give you a bushel, an Imperial bushel at that, and you ask for the whole barn!! Is it in you black people's blood or something, to want more???
You even cited that stupid speech by the brat we have for President in one of his inaugural speeches ; something about standing for liberty, and standing with you, or something rather. Oh God! What is it with you Ethiopians and that damn inaugural speech anyway? I hear a good number of you keep quoting that same damn line over and over again. You really believed him when he said that? You know what else he said in that speech?? He said, in the first line of the speech:
"On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution, and recall the deep commitments that unite our country"
Well, you know what he did with the Constitution ever since he was selected president, don't you? Oh, I know this doesn't concern you, since it is not your country's constitution, but I just wanted to make a point about that speech. I know, I know, you just want an enforcer, a hatchet man, to come in and kick ass, correct? I mean who cares about ethics and honesty these days as long as you get yours, right?? Well, I suppose I can appreciate that being a Republican and all. Well, he also said:
"...We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world..."
I'm gonna say this just once and to you only, since it goes against Party policy to say such things. Have you seen any trail of freedom blazing anywhere around the world lately? You think the people of Iraq and Afghanistan are rejoicing their newfound freedom?
He concluded by saying:
"...May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of America."
Now, I thought this one real obvious, but where in this sentence do you see the word, "Ethiopia" or any other country for that matter?? Do you get it now??? You think God watches over you people too?? Please!
My point here is, in case you have not noticed Mr Mariam, Republicans who have seats to preserve in November, are running as fast as our tired legs can take us in the opposite direction when the shrimp shows in our districts. Don't get me wrong, we will still take his money like all good Republicans do, but you think we are stupid enough to use Mr. Failure's quotes for anything??
I see that you have also tried to butter me up by citing my record as a "...champion of human rights" and even made mention of The Armenian Genocide Act. Cute! Very cute! I must say you are well read, my boy. But as quite as it's kept, you have heard of the rumors about me taking bribes from the Turkish officials, right? Hey psst, come closer kiddo. Let me tell you a story about that legislation. It might help you further your own cause. Here's the real story.
I moved the Armenian Genocide Act out of the House International Relations Committee. It's easy to get stuff passed in committees, once you know what side to butter the bread. All you need is a couple of "quid pro quo's" between colleagues. You know what that is, right? You paying attention, son? Good! This is for your own good. Then when it came for vote on the floor, I withdrew it. Yeeeessirie!! I sure did!! Reason?? Hmmm, let's just say that I was made an offer I couldn't refuse. Yeah yeah, I gave the reason that it was Clinton who made me withdraw the legislation, but what's new, right? We blame him for everything these days. LOL But the real reason, hmmm how shall I put this? How does 500,000 reasons sound to you? Pretty compelling, isn't it? Oh, I know you and your people probably can't come up with that kind of number. And imagine, this was in 2000. So, you gotta figure inflation, cost of living, and all that crap. So it is probably significantly higher today. I'm just trying help and to put an opening bid price out there for you, kiddo. Last I heard your government has hired some interesting lobbyists here in DC. See, that ‘s what it takes to get things done around here. I mean, there is nothing that money can't buy! Even genocide son, even genocide has a price. Hey, don't blame me, OK? I didn't ask for this job. Do you, by the way, know how I happened to land this job? It was by default, or process of elimination. Would you volunteer to be a speaker of anything with that kind of face? Have you seen my picture lately? I mean let's face it, I couldn't be a speaker for "The Sisters of Mercy" with this face. Even I can tell you that.
Well, let me go on. Speaking of Human Rights and political prisoners, I am sure you are aware of the recent controversy with that subject. You know, the one with Bush was saying he wanted a legislation that legalizes ‘harsher interrogation methods' nudge nudge wink wink, and the bleeding heart Democrats and a couple of Republican ‘Mavericks' were trying to block him? I mean where do they get off, huh? Anyway, you mentioned something about some political leaders in your country may have been detained and even perhaps tortured or something?? What, were they roughed up a little with the local police or something? Big deal!! If it's any comfort to you, whatever those prisoners went through, can't possibly be any worse than the practices of water boarding and sleep deprivation we use on our detainees. Compared to what goes on in Guantanamo Bay and Abu Graib, those guys must feel like they are at Club Med or something. Now, that's torture! So, I wouldn't make a big deal out of what happened to a couple of wanna be Nelson Mandelas in your country.
As for fighting terrorism alongside our troops and the possible disruption, I only have one thing to say. Take it up with Rummy and Cheney, OK? You know how those two feel about this "War on Terror" thing, their brain child, right?? It should by now be clear to you what happens to anyone who even questions their action when it comes to that. Hell, you heard what they said about our own people who oppose them. Yep, they call them "Fascist Appeasers". Uh-hu! Besides, you know where Cheney sits during one of those damn speeches like the State of The Union addresses you keep quoting?? Yep, right next to me!!! Listen, I don't want to sit next to that heartless disgruntled bastard, when he's pissed off, OK? Next thing I know I will be asked to join him on his next hunting trip, you know what I mean? No, thanks.
OK, let me get down and dirty with you here. You asked what I didn't like about your Bill - what is it 5680 or something? Yes, I do have some issues with that bill, in addition to the 500,000 reasons I mentioned above. First, the number is too hard to remember, 5680!! Why 5680?? Why not HR 1 or HR 123 or...I have an idea, HR 500,000 !! Now, I would have remembered that one! It has such a nice ring to it. You better talk to your boys Chris and Donald there and have that number changed.
Second, the title. It is too goddamn long!! What is it again? Ethiopian Freedom blah blah blah...??? Why couldn't you come up with something shorter like "Operations Ethiopia Liberation" ??? or something? Oh wait, those words form the acronym OEL, not "OIL" like "Operations Iraqi Liberation" did . Well, you get my point. Speaking of freedom and oil, y'all don't happen to have some land there that has some oil in it, do ya? Just curious. I'm just thinking of another project for my real estate agent. I wonder if he has any connections in Ethiopia.
Finally, I really liked the way you tried to sweeten the ‘sanctions' poison pill too. It gives me hope that your head is in the right place and we can see eye to eye. Well, OK not necessarily mine, but Rummy's and Cheney's. You know how much they hate sanctions. They say sanctions are for wimps. A lot of good sanctions did to Saddam!
But, speaking as a seasoned politician, if I didn't know better, I would have thought you were trifling all over the place in the name of ‘accountability' with all those reasons you listed as disclaimers. But no need to fret professor, we don't care much for that term either. Why the hell do you think my job approval - I mean, Congress' job approval is as low as a Christmas day temperature in my district?? But, it sounds to me like you are on the right track about skirting around accountability, so I won't sweat you too much about it.
And finally, I know the clock is running on your little Bill over there, but hey time is running out on us too, professor. You realize it is election year, right? And it is looking more and more like we might have to hand over power to these damn tree hugging Democrats. So, I have to take care of number one before I relinquish this seat. You think I am gonna put your Bill ahead of HR 100, 000, or HR 200, 000 or 300, 000 which have been sent to me urgent in those fancy envelopes? Hey, don't take this personal but I work on whatchama call it...uhmmm, what's the word I'm looking for? Commission! That's the word! Commission, capish? .
Listen kid, I know you mean well and all, but it's basically out of my hands. My job is to carry water for this administration, not even for Congress, the legislative body of this great Democracy and its electorate mind you, but for the administration and the Republican Party. And I am sure you know how much it costs to throw a good Party in Washington, right? Especially if it is going to be a farewell party. So, I am sure you see my dilemma here.
But before I close shop for the day, upon a quick glance at your Bill here, I noticed one little thing. Now, I know I may have lost some of that legislative touch, but can you see that you are not really asking for anything in this Bill?? I mean, from what you described, your people went through some election thing and there was some fraud involved. Geeze, what's new? Now, forgive me for my naivety, but shouldn't the crux of your request be at least a demand for a re-count or a re-vote of some sort instead of a watered down demand to sanction this and oversee that? Well, I'm just saying here. I may have been out of touch with reality because of the distractions around here, but in the old days, people wanted their votes to be counted. Oh well, I have said enough about this whole thing anyway. I don't know what's gotten to me; I don't normally do things like this, suggesting something on a Bill.
OK Prof Mariam, I was really entertained by your letter. It was very refreshing, I must say. Honestly, it almost made me go back to my old days and really do some honest legislative work, but lucky for me I was able to catch myself just in time and come down to reality. I must be getting old. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to waddle along over to my district and do some campaigning and after that I have to get with some damn 3rd graders and practice "Star Spangled Banner" Yeah yeah, it was just hilarious isn't it?? So what if I screwed up the words. I'm not the only one, you know? Have you seen those professional singers at these sporting events mangling the words to the national anthem? Well, at least I am not a professional singer and not required to remember these words. Oh well Professor, hope to see you or your friends in the campaign trails in the 14th District with the right colors and numbers in your hands, if you know what I mean. Ta ta for now, or is it "Keep Hope Alive"?
And one more thing...oops, excuse me Professor, my blackberry is ringing.
Hastert here...yes, it is. What?? What happened to Foley?? Damn!!!
Excuse me, Professor it seems a new scandal about some stupid possible pedophilia issue may have surfaced . Oh well, time to go put out some fires. Speaking of fire, Damn Foley!!! He just couldn't keep it in his pants. Just what I needed!!
Good day, Professor.
John Dennis Hastert